Different Loads. Different Stories. Why closure isn't always found in someone else.

By Trisha Allan | Delta City News | July 10, 2026
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I recently found myself asking whether I should take the high road or seek “closure” by pressing an issue. One meant sitting with unresolved feelings, while the other risked creating discomfort for someone else. As I worked through my disappointment, I wondered what opportunity this experience was presenting.

I had created a piece of artwork which I chose to share with someone who was also grieving. However, I made the mistake of assuming that a shared loss was equivalent to an agreed viewpoint. What I had poured time, thought, and love into was interpreted completely differently than intended, leaving me unprepared for the icy reaction I received. While the beauty of art is that it evokes different perspectives, the response felt dismissive in a moment where I allowed myself to be vulnerable.

Looking back, I appreciate that although our story was entwined, we were not walking the same journey or viewing a past relationship in the same way. It wasn’t the difference in perspective that I was stuck on, I encourage that, it was that someone I cared about had devalued something deeply personal to me. It felt disconnected, and, if I'm honest, like a betrayal had taken place within the confines of the considerate relationship we had.

I wanted answers. Why did they not see the beauty in the art? Why did their reaction seem so irrational to me? Why did something shared seem like a conflict? I wrestled with confronting the person to fix my feelings against knowing that doing this would bring an awkward divide to the forefront.

I realized, that while answers might explain how we got there, they wouldn't erase what I already felt and then, something became clear. This reaction was completely out of character. Nothing in our history suggested anything other than kindness and support. I moved past the self-doubt I felt was bestowed upon me and made room to understand that the brewing resentment hinged on my story: this was a personal attack. In truth, they simply were responding through a different lens. My devoted effort was not in the equation, and what I thought was uplifting to share, they saw as upsetting. What we did have in common was that grief was ours alone in that moment and neither of us had the capacity to thoughtfully consider our impact. While it may be nice to get an explanation, there is no obligation for someone to make another person feel better or explain the intricacies of what triggers an opposing reaction. 

I often discuss with clients that two people can experience the same event while living in completely different emotional realities. We don't all process grief or significant change on the same timeline or with the same awareness. The same is true in divorce. One person may be seeking answers while the other is simply trying to survive the day. One may be ready for productive conversations while the other is still reacting. Sometimes what feels like a personal attack may be someone else's emotions spilling over in the moment.

I am not talking about intolerable behaviour, but in some cases, when weighing the cost of pursuing answers or simply letting go, I circle back to a few questions:

• Am I looking for clarity or reassurance?
• Is this conversation likely to create understanding or further conflict?
• Is this experience inconsistent with who you know them to be?
• Could both of us be "right" in the situation?
• Which path is most constructive?

We all have moments when grief, fear, stress, or exhaustion get the better of us. That doesn't excuse hurtful behaviour, but it may invite us to pause and distinguish between a pattern and an exception. In turn, this can change how we respond and decide where we want to invest our energy.

Your peace cannot depend entirely on someone else's willingness or ability to explain themselves. I believe closure can begin when you stop outsourcing and consider that by relying on another person's response, you're effectively handing them a measure of control over your own recovery. 

This experience reinforced my belief that closure begins and ends within ourselves. While there are times that getting answers, an apology or explanation, or just as important, the lack of those things, does contribute value, closure is ultimately an inside job.

The opportunity for me was to decide what story I was telling myself and whether the initial feeling I had in the moment, was the right one to carry forward. In this scenario, it was not and instead, was met with self-compassion and empathy. 

Divorce, in particular, has a way of placing us in conflict mode. Emotions are raw and we can be  quick to protect ourselves. Sometimes that's necessary. Other times, it's worth asking if there is space to recognize that not every difficult interaction deserves the same response.

Can you choose some battles over others without abandoning your own needs? What if we take the pause to consider what best serves us. Sometimes that means asking the difficult questions, sometimes it’s to do nothing, and sometimes it means recognizing that two people can deeply care for one another and still hurt each other because they are standing in different places. We have the power to be selective with what allows us to move forward with the greatest sense of peace.

Trisha Allan - Author - Delta City News

Trisha is a Delta-based Separation & Divorce Coach, Transition & Recovery Coach and Co-Parenting Coach.

Connect with Trisha at My Divorce Ally or Facebook
PH: (604) 227-3623 / EM: trisha@mydivorceally.ca

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